


If it Should Please

by Wickedlovely01



Series: flightless birds [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: GAY GAY GAY, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, Lams - Freeform, Lin Manuel Miranda - Freeform, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Panic Attacks, Polyamory, SO GAY, Zoo, it's another hurt/comfort, it's okay bc there's pizza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-30 22:15:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6443980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wickedlovely01/pseuds/Wickedlovely01
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For all of the panic attacks Alexander Hamilton had to endure, he found this one to be the most worth it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If it Should Please

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm wicked, sickfic and angst extraordinaire! This is my first lams fic, though I've been writing since 2010. Basically everyone is in one huge relationship, though it's strictly platonic. Everyone kisses everyone though, and holds hands as well. Only John and Alex are in a committed relationship. I was supposed to be in bed an hour ago because ew work tomorrow, but I finished this so why not post it?

“Alex, c’mon!” John pulled his stubborn boyfriend towards the aquarium, tugging at his arm. “It’s really hot, baby, don’t you want to go where it’s nice and cool?” Alexander shook his head, his bottom lip jutting out in distaste, eyebrows furrowed angrily. John pressed several kisses to the space between his eyes. He could taste the metallic tang of sweat, and he pulled away, smiling. “Yes, you do. You’re gonna overheat, and then where will we be? In the infirmary up the road, that’s where.”

“Why can’t I go meet up with Lafayette and Mulligan?” Alexander huffed, crossing his arms. He felt a sickening feeling in his stomach; faint, but there, like a knife was slowly being turned through his intestines. He kept his eyes on the concrete below, focusing on his shoes rather than the plastic sculpture of the shark and sea turtle in front of them. He didn’t like the ocean.

John was tugging insistently at his arm again. The other man wouldn’t budge. “They’re at the butterfly exhibit down the trail. We’ve already been there, remember?” Alex shook his head, though he did. He remembered how it was humid, so his clothes stuck to his skin. He remembered the smell of the hut, fruity and tropical. It reminded him of home, but not in a bad way. In the butterfly house, there was no feeling of death, no sensation of drowning, no water in sight. Thinking about it quelled his slight shaking, and John’s voice pulled him out of his memories, along with the squeeze of their hands. “Don’t lie. I know you do. That was when that nice butterfly landed on your shoulder and you started laughing and blushing.”

“Oh... Oh yeah. I guess I do remember.” He named the butterfly Frederick, and it flew away shortly after. Alexander wished _he_ could fly away; sprout wings from his back and go higher and higher until he couldn’t smell the saltwater. More tugging, but he whined, not wanting to go inside. But there was kisses being placed on each of his knuckles. This was how John got Alex to focus before his anxiety took over.

Another round of kisses before words were spoken. “Alexander. Alex. Alex, baby.” This time, John kissed his nose, and he tipped the writer’s chin up so their eyes could meet. “Focus, okay? It’s just the aquarium, alright? Okay?” But he shook his head, biting his lip, and John kissed his cheek. “Open your eyes, darling.” Alex did, but he never remembered closing them. There was John’s face, calm and sweet.The dusting of freckles glinting in the afternoon sun. The frizzy brown hair pulled back in a ponytail. Alexander had done John’s hair, as per their daily routine. It helped him focus on what was in front of him this morning instead of having his mind wander.

“I don’t... I... mm...” Alexander tried words, but the words didn’t come, so he got frustrated.

John kissed his lips, cupped his cheek, and pulled away.”Words, Alex. You know how to use them, and in the most brilliantly eloquent ways possible.”

Alexander shook his head, but took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He remembered doing this because instead of seeing John, he saw black. His psychologist had told him to always start over and use words he knew, even if they were simple. But Alex didn’t like simple words. He liked big, long ones that made people confused when looked at. He felt John pull him, but not towards the doors. Instead, he sat on a bench, and that was okay. That was good because it grounded him, and instead of focusing on the swirling words in his mind he could focus on the cool metal on the back of his legs. John was there too. He could focus on John, and how he was helping him, rubbing his back and kissing his earlobe.

“I don’t like the ocean.”

“I know you don’t, baby. But, hey, Alex? Alexander. Open your eyes. Good, you’re doing great. I love you. Look at me, Alex, focus on me. Thank you so much for the kiss.” John wiped the spit Alexander had left off of his cheek, and smiled at him. “I promise you that you will be safe in there. Everything is held in glass, and so the fish can’t get out, and the water can’t leak and drip on your head. After we go through the aquarium, we’ll meet up with Laf and Herc and go out for lunch, and then we’ll go home, okay?”

“But... What if-”

“No, Alexander, we are not doing what ifs. What ifs don’t help you, right?”

“Right...”

“What helps you is facing your fears. And you know what? You won’t be in the water at all.”

“I... I won’t?”

John nodded, biting his lip to stifle the laughter he felt growing inside of him. “No, baby. You’re gonna be able to hold my hand the entire time, and we’ll speed through there. Does that sound alright?” Alex nodded, and John helped him up. His arms felt warm and secure around Alexander’s waist, and he snuggled his face into John’s chest as the automatic doors opened.

It was dark, and Alexander could have sworn he didn’t remember closing his eyes this time. It smelled nothing like the seawater outside, rather like freshly cleaned carpet and some sort of tangy food. This was okay. This was nice. He heard children screaming and talking and laughing, and something splash around in a tank. Water hit the floor. John was wrong. There were animals out of their tanks and there was water that was leaking and then there was going to be rain so now Alex would drown, but he couldn’t drown because the universe would drown John instead and then where would Alexander be?

“Calm, Alex.” And there was John and there was his warm hands and there was safety so Alexander did. “It’s just a sensory tank. Let your eyes adjust.” Alex stared ahead, and sure enough they did. The room they were in was a large one, dimly lit, and now he could hear the swell of cinematic music coming from hidden speakers. A zoo worker was bending over a large glass tank, picking up various sea animals and letting the children touch it. “See, baby? It’s not so bad. Look at the pretty pictures on the wall. Did you notice those?” The other shook his head, walking over to one. A sea turtle, neon orange bacteria flowing next to it. Another one showed a reef of coral, salmon and green and yellow. Jellyfish. A school of minnows. Penguins.

“John...” Alexander pointed to the birds, confused, and his boyfriend tore himself away from the sea turtle, wrapping his arms around the writer and putting his chin on his shoulder, kissing his exposed neck.

“Yeah, Alex?”

“Penguins don’t live in the ocean... Why are they there?” Another kiss, and Alex blushed deeply. He didn’t mind so much being in the aquarium now. John was right beside him, kissing him like they were in the bedroom. This wasn’t so bad. Alexander Hamilton, high school honors student and now a politics major in one of the most esteemed colleges in America, could handle being brave for his John Laurens for one day.

“Because the zoo doesn’t have an arctic exhibit yet. They put the penguins and puffins in here because they’re aquatic animals.”

“Oh. That makes sense. I was just wondering.”

“That’s okay, Alex. That’s good because it means you’re focusing, and that’s what this trip was all about. We - Laf, Herc, and I - We took you here to make you happy and healthy. This makes me happy.”

“What does?” Alexander turned around in John’s arms.

“That you came in here. You’re out of your comfort zone, baby, and I’m proud of you.” Alexander blushed.

“Well... I... I mean... You like the turtles.”

John kissed his lips, playing with Alex’s small ponytail. “Right, I do, but I love you more. Do you wanna go on, or are you still adjusting?” The writer shrugged.

“We can go on. I don’t want this all to be about me. I know you three are always trying to help me and god, John, I appreciate that so much, but sometimes it triggers me. I know you don’t mean to, so I don’t mean to make a big deal out of it. I don’t even mention when it happens because I-”

“Alexander. If something triggers you, you tell us. That is the deal.”

“I don’t want this to be a big deal, though. It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters. It matters to me, to Lafayette, to Hercules. We need to know what triggers you so we can do things or not do things to help you. So if we’re causing you to overload then tell us so we can back the fuck up.” John’s voice was teetering on the edge of threatening, eyes searing into Alexander’s.

“And you’ll all love me even if I snap?”

“Alex, that’s why we’re with you. We all love you, we always will, so we don’t care if you snap.” John kissed the top of his head, and noticed how shiny it was from the natural oils.

“Yeah, John, I’m ready.”

***

Halfway through the aquarium, Alexander Hamilton felt good. Not great, because there was always that constant of _water drowns, John. Water drowns and it doesn’t matter if it’s still trapped in glass water drowns and I’m going to lose you._ But his boyfriend had always been there to sooth his aching mind and numb hands. Right... Alex remembered that his hands had gone numb after he turned away from the penguins, and his feet as well. He didn’t bother telling John. He knew that this could be the beginning of a sensory overload, but the smile on the nurse’s face was there and bright, and Alexander didn’t want anything to make that smile fade. He wondered where Laf and Herc were right now, but didn’t want to ask, because he also remembered that this trip was supposed to help him focus, and so he focused on the penguins he liked.

Back when they had arrived at the exhibit, it had been feeding hour for the flightless birds. Alex couldn’t smell the fish because it had been contained in the glass, so he had the stench of carpet in his nostrils, which he supposed was okay because it wasn’t water so he couldn’t drown if he didn’t smell the water. He sat down in the children’s zone, criss-cross applesauce, and watched as the workers fed silver-bellied fish to the penguins. He knew John was on the high-rise behind him. He could see the reflection in the glass, holding up the camera, taking pictures. The lights were bright, but not enough to trigger anything.

After one had jumped from its perch, it came to greet Alexander, its black beak tapping against the glass in greeting. It twirled as the writer pressed his hands and nose against the barrier, amazed at the penguin. Wherever his eyes went, that’s where the bird went. It delighted him, and it seemed like the little attack before had been worth it. “John! John, do you see this?” Alex called out, not taking his eyes off of his new friend. He had a small grin on his tanned face.

A chuckle. “Yeah, baby, of course I do.” His voice seemed closer, and when Alexander finally tore away from the penguin, he saw that John had made an appearance right beside him, smiling. His freckles were a light tawny against his skin. “Oh shit, Alex, it swam away.” He remarked, and next time Alex looked over, he frowned.

“Oh shit...” He felt John help him up into a hug. “I didn’t even get to name it.”

“I know. But I bet it’s probably already got a name, yeah? And anyways, we should get going. I got a text from Laf and Herc. They’re going to a couple more exhibits before meeting us here. The aquarium is big, sweetheart, we’ve got tracks to make.” Alexander nodded, and then they were off.

So now they were turning the corner into the shark tunnel, and Alex could see up ahead that it was completely glass all around, and the fish and stingrays and turtles could swim wherever they wanted, and it was dark and loud with the children and the snaps of the camera. Right now they were right by a real tide simulation, and it was too loud and bright so he covered his ears, but he couldn’t cover his eyes so it didn’t help. He could feel the attack like the wide waves in the ocean. He could feel the waves leaking through the glass and soaking into his shoes and up his pant legs, just like it had back in Nevis where he was hopeless and wet and _petrified and oh god what about John where is-_

“Alex?” John. Alexander’s brown eyes darted to his boyfriend, and he allowed himself to slightly relax. He took his hands from his ears. “You doing okay? Because there’s an exit right there. We could-”

“I’m fine. I’m fine, John.” But were too many sounds, too many people, and too much light. They moved up a couple feet, and now Alexander was in the tunnel, away from the tides, but this wasn’t much better because now it felt like he _was_ actually drowning, because there was water on all sides of him.

“You look a little pale, darling. Here, there’s concrete benches on the sides. I’ll lead you, just trust me.” John was his anchor, the one keeping him from floating away in his world of madness and anxiety. His boyfriend talked to some people about moving, and once they saw the nervous writer, they complied without any hesitation. “There, Alex. I’m going to lower you.”

“C-Can I close my eyes?” His voice was shaky, broken; brown irises finding blue, and John nodded, helping him to sit down, so Alexander submitted himself to the darkness.

“Shh, it’s okay. What triggered you?” Alexander shook his head, trying to focus on something, on _anything_. But all there was was water and waves and thunder, and oh _god he’s coughing and hacking. There’s water in his lungs._ “Alex. Jesus, Alex, you’re sweating.” He felt John’s sleeve wipe across his forehead. Alex pushed away, feeling constricted and panicked. There was too much. He felt like screaming, but the water wouldn’t let him. He felt like throwing up, but he didn’t want to make John angry, so he wrapped his arms around his stomach.

For a couple minutes, he would not allow John near him. He would not allow his eyes to open, or his lungs to fill up with water. He just laid there, shuddering and shaking, and he was almost positive he was floating away because his hands and feet were numb, and he couldn’t tell which way was up and which was was down. Alexander couldn’t stay awake. He couldn’t breathe or scream or ask for help, so he just let himself fade away slowly.

“Lafayette? Laf... It happened. I can’t touch him, he won’t let me. I n-need help. Laf... L-Laf, please...” John... Would John miss him? “He’s... He’s relaxing.... He’s...”

 

***

  
When Alexander woke up again, the light behind his eyelids was bright and hot and red with his blood. He was in somebody’s lap, hands were on his temple, lips on the center of his forehead. But he just felt so sick so he bolted upright and puked in front of himself. After throwing up for a long while, he finally felt like could breathe, but that didn’t mean his panic was gone. All he knew was that he was out of the water, and he was in somebody’s arms instead, lowering him when he’d puked up everything.

“Alex. Alexander. It’s three-thirty on a tuesday afternoon. We’re at the zoo. You had a panic attack back in the aquarium and you wouldn’t let anyone touch you because of your sensory overload, and then you fainted.” This was an accented voice, so it had to have been Lafayette. “It’s okay. Alex, it’s okay. What’s hurting? If you can’t speak, that’s okay, just point.” So Alex lightly touched his stomach, hand, and ears. “Alright, thank you so much, _amor_. That helps us so much, darling.”

“It’s Herc, Alex. Nod if you can hear me.” He did. “Hi. I’m gonna help you with your numb hands, alright? Get some feeling back into them.”

“I t-threw up...” The writer moaned, the movement in his jaw causing his stomach to weaken, the sounds causing his ears to pound with reverb. “H-Herc... I-”

“Shh, shh, you lovely knucklehead. It’s okay. Don’t worry. Don’t overload. Just focus on my voice and your fingers. Okay, I’ve got a very dull needle in my hands. I used to use it for clothes, but I use it for you now. It won’t draw any blood or hurt, it’ll just prick a little. Now, I’ll poke one finger, and you just move the one I poked. Okay? Can you do that? Lafayette has you, don’t worry. You’re safe.” Alexander felt himself nod slowly, so then there was a sensation of pricking and poking on different fingers. For a long time, that was all they did. Alex moving only his fingers, Hercules poking them, Lafayette holding the writer, whose violent shaking tremors were slowing down.

“Where’s... Where’s...” Alexander began, becoming restless because god, _he could feel his hands now. That wasn’t the problem anymore._

Lafayette helped him sit up, leaning him into his lap, and Herc sat on the other side after he had cleaned up the sick, running a hand up and down Alex’s hand. The frenchman spoke quietly, kissing the shell of Alexander’s ear. “John? John is fine. He didn’t drown or anything, sweetheart. Is that what you were worried about?” The writer nodded, suddenly feeling like a great burden was lifted off his shoulders. “Well he’s safe. He just forgot something back in the aquarium, and he will be back in a few minutes. Now, you said your stomach hurt? No, Alex, don’t move around, that’ll just make it worse. You’re probably dehydrated.” A plastic bottle was placed to his lips, and Alexander was ordered to drink, so he did until he coughed and sputtered.

He wanted to speak so _badly_ , but no words he thought of were the right ones. “Tired...” It was simple and it was slow and it was stupid, everything he hated, but it was all Alexander Hamilton could manage.

“I expect you would be. We spent six hours here, walking around. We’re gonna leave soon, okay? Do you wanna open your eyes for me, sweetheart? I’ve got some snacks for you.” Alexander’s first sight was Lafayette, and he was smiling and brilliant and warm. But despite that, the man looked extremely tired and worn out, and Alex knew he was to blame. Everyone in their fucked up relationship worried constantly about him, because he never slept and he never ate and he always freaked out. “Hey, sleepy baby. God, you’re adorable. I can see why John loves you so.”

“Laf... Laf I t-threw up...”

“I know, shh.” Lafayette stroked his hair, leaning over into his bag to get out some ritz crackers. “It’s okay. Hercules got it all cleaned up.”

“I w-wanna write...” Alexander began to fidget in his seat, becoming freaked out again. They said John would be here soon, but John wasn’t here, so what if he drowned? What if Alexander never got to see John Laurens again? “John... J-John. I n-need to write... Writing... Washington... J-John. Congress... d-drowning... John. Essays... Burr... J-Jefferson... John.” He couldn’t finish a single thought. Hercules kissed his jawline softly.

“Honey, John is coming.”

“W-Where is he?!” Alex grew irritable and angry. He didn’t _want_ crackers, he didn’t _want_ his hands to be poked with dull needles. He pushed himself away, falling onto the concrete in the process. Some of the bystanders paused to give him a weird look, some mothers pulled their children away from the rabid man. “You keep saying t-that! _Don’t_ touch me! Get away! W-Where John?! He d-drowned, didn’t he? He’s d-dead, isn’t h-he? Where’s John?! I w-want Joh-”

“Alexander.” This was a different voice. Not new, Alexander had heard it before. Hands slid under his arms, pulling him towards a heat source. John. He knew it was John because John was warm and his voice, even when it was slightly angry, was like honey and his hands were slightly rough from the small callouses that had developed over the years and this was John, he knew it was, and John Laurens didn’t drown and Alexander remembered how to breathe again.

“John...” He murmured, turning around so he could bury his face into his boyfriend’s chest.

John peeled him off. “Look at me, Alexander. You’re causing a commotion. You’re making a scene in public. We can handle you in private, but _fuck_ , a fucking _five_ year old acts more mature than this. If Washington was here, what would he say? Don’t answer that. I don’t want to hear you speaking. I don’t know why Laf and Herc are letting you. You _know_ your throat closes up and gets sore after these attacks, why do you try and strain it more? They told you, Alexander. They told you I’d be back, so fucking listen next time, alright? I had to get our bag from the shark tunnel because I forgot it while I carried you out the emergency exit. I was only gone for fifteen minutes and this is how you behave? I know these things are scary for you, but you need to handle yourself better.” Alexander’s eyes never left John’s, and they shattered from hopeful rays to broken china plates, tears filling them. But then John stopped being angry, and he hugged Alex close to his body, and this time it was _John_ who was shaking.

“I was so scared, Alex. I was so fucking scared and I didn’t know what to do. No one did. You’ve never fainted like that before. I didn’t know what to do, Alex. Why didn’t I know what to do? I’m your boyfriend, damn it, I’m supposed to _fucking know this shit_. I’m supposed to know how to fix you when you need fixing. I’m supposed to help prevent this shit from happening and I just can’t and I’m sorry. Alex, I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I’m sorry I yelled at you. I didn’t mean it. Shit, wait... can I touch you? I’m sorry about that, too.” He started to pull away, but Alexander pulled him back.

“It’s okay... I’m better now... Not great, but... but better. You’re here, so... so that was a major part of me calming down. I know I was being stupid and irrational... I’m s-sorry. I was trying to listen to them... I r-really was, I swear. But I couldn’t focus because I thought the w-waves were drowning you and John, I don’t care if they drown me because I d-don’t matter. I’m not important. I care if they drown you b-because you’re nice and sweet and you actually help people so... So d-don’t let the waves drown you.” Alex breathed in his boyfriend’s scent, and there was no water but only clean soap and fire. He felt John kissing his greasy hair. It felt nice.

“I won’t baby. Just calm down. I got you a present. That’s probably why I took so long.” Alexander turned his head and felt something fuzzy in his hands. He looked down. It was a penguin, colored powder blue, beak dyed a dandelion yellow. “I know you were sad about the penguin leaving you earlier, so this one can be named and taken home with you. Sound good?” Alex smiled, kissing John, making both of them fall onto the concrete. They never paused, because it had been so long since Alex had been in the mood to kiss John like this, and John wasn’t going to ruin anything Alexander wanted to do.

The two men stayed like that for a long time, just kissing and cuddling, giggling about the present. But then John noticed Alexander getting weaker, more pale, and he saw sweat forming on his brow. “Alex, c’mon, babe. Let’s get you back home.”

“‘M tired...” The man complained, and he saw John smile as he helped him up onto his feet. “Hungry...”

“I know.” John replied softly, taking Alex’s hand and kissing it. “You can sleep in the car, and we’ll worry about dinner when you’re fully awake.”

Alex liked the sound of that, so he let John lead him away from the water and the tides, and he let Lafayette hand him crackers to munch on, and when he got too tired to walk, he let Hercules carry him piggy-back all the way to the car. He let them do these things, because they were his friends. John had stayed true to his word, that even if Alex snapped, everyone would still love him. By the time he was set down to get into the car, the warmth had made him lethargic, his brown eyes halfway closed to the world.

“Honey,” A deep chuckle. Hercules ran a large hand through Alexander’s hair, and the writer smiled almost drunkenly. “Honey, we’re at the car, so get in the back with John.”

“Wanna write...” He mumbled, climbing into the leather seats of Hercules’ mercedes. It smelled like leather, warmth, and rum. Just like the man who owned it. John pulled him close into his lap, not making Alex sit up and buckle up, because he wasn’t entirely sure what could still trigger him. Sometimes his attacks got so bad, the harsh fabric of a seatbelt irritated his neck to the point of a rash.

“Alex, you’re half-asleep. Can’t you tell?” Alexander shook his head.

“Don’t care... Washington w-wants a rebuttal by tonight.”

“Jesus... No, that’s not happening. Washington’s assignments can wait, because I can tell that you haven’t had proper sleep in days.” But even as John spoke, Alex was reaching for a small tablet in the pocket of Lafayette's seat. John frowned, pulling his hands back. “No. Alex, please? Please, baby. I don’t need you having another attack, because I don’t know what to do.”

“John,” Lafayette spoke gently from the front, fixing his hair in the mirror. “I’d let him.”

“You don’t know him, Laf.” That issued a laugh from the frenchman.

“Don’t know him? My dear, I do. You think you’re the only one who understands our star, Alexander. But we all do. Let him write until he falls asleep. Even though working non-stop aggravates him, it can also wind him down.” At this, John let Alex take out the tablet and pull up something he had saved, hooking the keyboard up so he could type.

His head was his John’s lap, and for the entire forty minute drive back to the innards of the mechanical city, Alexander Hamilton was the most focused he had been all week. In that short span of time, he’d typed out four pages of long paragraphs. As they entered into their neighborhood though, the college student began to wind down, and he relinquished his death grip on the tablet, falling asleep. John clicked his tongue as he put it away. Hercules switched off the car once they got into the driveway.

“What did I tell you, _mon ami_?” Smirked Lafayette, getting out and strolling over to the back. He opened the door for John, who gently put the sleeping Alexander Hamilton into his arms. He started to murmur in frustration, moving around a bit. “ _Non_ , Alexander, you are fine. Shh. Calm down, my sweet one.”

“Laf... did I do badly today?” John questioned, walking inside and switching the lights on. The four of them could afford a three-bedroom house, so everyone lived quite comfortably. He watched as his friend gently put Alex on the soft couch. “Wasn’t there warning signs this morning during breakfast? Didn’t you notice?”

“It’s not going to do you any good to dwell on the past,” Hercules cut in. He grabbed a sports drink from the fridge, leaning on the island in the middle of the kitchen. “You know Alex. He hides those things so we’re happy.”

“That doesn’t make me happy. That makes me want to strangle him.” John growled. “Why can’t he figure it out?” At this, the tailor set his unopened drink down, instead letting his hands work out the kinks in John’s shoulders. They both watched as Lafayette took off Alexander’s tennis shoes and covered him up with a blanket. He took out his ponytail with gentle tugs, and his hair was so unwashed it basically stayed in the same shape. “Herc... Seriously, did I do something wrong? It feels like I have. It feels like this attack was because I was pushing Alex to do something he obviously wasn’t comfortable with.” He lowered his head into his hands, rubbing his entire face. “God, I wish we weren’t so complicated.”

“Honey, you need to relax. Alex is fine now. You helped him, and he’ll wake up just as sporadic as ever. The kid’s like a goddamn rubber band.”

“Yeah, I guess.” He let Hercules continue to massage him, and John wondered if that was true. Usually, after his attacks, Alexander was just like a five-year old, sleepy and confused. “Can we order some pizza? I don’t feel like cleaning the kitchen tonight.” That made Lafayette chuckle as he sauntered over.

“Oh, you’re just lazy as shit, John Laurens.” But he pulled out his phone anyways.

 

***

  
Alex woke up when everybody had gone to bed. He peered at the electronic clock that was by the television. 11:42. It wasn’t a surprise that everyone else was sleeping. Hercules and Lafayette had their art and culinary classes early in the morning, and they needed their beauty sleep. John usually could hold out for a bit longer, but not much, since his body started to shut down around ten anyways. Besides, there was that double shift down at the children’s ward Alex knew he had. He was the only one who could endure the long, arduous night, with it’s shiny silver balls in the inky sky. He was the only one who could smell the dust of stars and hear the whispers of the universe. Alexander Hamilton thrived in the nighttime like no other.

He could smell grease from the pizza long gone cold, and Alexander wondered how long he had slept. His muscles were still lethargic and protested him getting up, but the writer did anyways, because he heard his stomach growl. There were three large pizzas, mostly all eaten, but his roommates had been considerate enough to leave him a couple slices for options. Alex found there was pepperoni and sausage, which was John’s. John liked a lot of meat. Another pizza was Hercules’, complete with canadian bacon and pineapple. Lafayette's was the most simple - just plain cheese, and Alex found that gross. In all actuality, he found all three of them gross, but John’s the most bearable, so he grabbed two slices of the meaty pie and tiptoed over to the spice cabinet.

Nevis, though not the most famous place in the Caribbean islands, certainly had its fair share of exotic seasoning. Alex, before he was brought to the states, had practically grown up in spices. There was nothing his tongue couldn’t handle, and often he’d just dump a bunch of cayenne pepper on his dinner before going to town. So that was what he did tonight, along with red pepper flakes and a dab of hot sauce here and there. The hotness helped the college boy remember where he was, what he was doing, and that he was okay. There, Alexander ate in silence, leaning on the counter, his ankles crossed as he reveled in the dark. His eyes had already adjusted, and now he could see that the door to John’s bedroom was open.

Perhaps the other three had predicted Alexander to sleep until morning, as the king sized bed was filled up with all but Alex. Because they were single, often one night stands, Hercules and Lafayette had their own rooms, and John and Alex had the master bed and bath. But tonight, John was in the middle of a sandwich, no room for Alex. Which, you know, was fine. The writer always had something to work on, things to turn in, people to reprimand. Still, it hurt, because at least he had the _option_ of sleeping with his boyfriend. So after choking down his spicy cold pizza, he slithered over to the door, closed it without making any sound, and found his way back to the couch, slipping under the covers and picking up his laptop. For background noise, Alexander switched on the television to an infomercial channel, and began the journey of essay writing once more. However, he found it hard to focus. His mind kept wandering to the good parts of the day. The parts where he could remember the smiling, where he could remember why he could still get up in the mornings, why he could live his life the way he wanted to, not the way anxiety wanted to control him. He remembered.

Hercules smiling as he got to pet one of the desert dome’s reptiles.

Lafayette screaming in french as a black goat chased him around the petting zoo.

John smiling as a giraffe ate brown pellets out of his hands.

All three of them posing for Lafayette’s camera on the carousel. Alex even remembered the vivid colored animals they were on.

Hercules had a horse. It had almost been a blue-white, adorned with pink and gold reins fit for a strongman.

Lafayette had an elephant. It was a simple stone grey, but what it lacked in color it made up for in flowered patterns in green and blue.

John Laurens and Alex rode on two ostriches, side by side. They were both black, black like their souls and their minds, their saddles a flame colored palette for a very hellish affect. It had been a perfect day, and there was nothing the writer would change about it.

For all of the panic attacks Alexander Hamilton had to endure, he found this one to be the most worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love some feedback. This is supposed to be a series about each one of their mental troubles. Next I'm thinking about continuing on with John the next day, and his depression flares up? What do you guys think? Is that something you're interested in? 
> 
> If you wanna chat with me, you can follow me on tumblr at mchaelis


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